I hate Halloween. Why? Because it’s stupid — unless you’re under the age of twelve. If that’s the case and you’re reading this right now, GO TO SCHOOL.
Every year I suffer through the same dreadful costumes, see the same stupid decorations, hear the same stupid music, and eat the same awful Candy Corn. I could be describing Christmas, but there’s something about wearing a sweater with a giant reindeer on the front I kind of like. Maybe this year I’ll finally buy that sweater.
Like most kids, I used to like Halloween. It used to be fun dressing up as a vampire or whatever and get free candy emptied into my pillow sack. But somewhere along the lines the magic of the holiday faded, and now all I feel around Halloween is an intense and inescapable hatred. A person can only hear Monster Mash so many times before going into a white hot rage.
Unfortunately my hatred of Halloween is equaled by my love of candy. Considering my girth, there hasn’t been much candy I’ve turned away over the years. I say we end Halloween and just have a yearly celebration of candy. Except Candy Corn.
And please, PLEASE, no more Monster Mash.